So?

so? when am i really happy? ...like for real, with no thought or even the slightest pang of sadness in me? hmmm....lets see if I can remember a time....it's been five minutes already...and nothing recent comes to my mind! the last time i remember being truly happy...was...was when i visited delhi! ...for just about 2-3 hours I know, but yeah...!

...now what do i like best? when do i feel best? well my answers should be when i'm around family...or friends...and when i'm with my partner..but apparently not...somehow i feel a certain pressure to be artificial even around them...! ....so when do I get to be really me? the best time...or the only time i mean...is around the time i'm alone, at night...while everyone is asleep...if i'm lonely i can cry into my teddy-bear's shiny, soft, white, silky coat..or just sit and read in the hall...maybe write..or maybe act out...or analyse my feelings and surroundings...at one point of time i hated being alone...now i only love to be left alone more and more! ...how things change! well reasons best known to you already things have been messed up....leaving me rather messed up myself with emotions i have no clue how to deal with...
So what do i do now...??? ...where do i go from here...???

What the 'Eff'...?!

If love is true, how can you 'fall out' of love with this person you claim to be ;truly' in-love with? what do you know about love? seems like you knew so much and you were the one with the true feelings while i was still just 'crushing'...Sorry but it seems like it's the absolute opposite here...I'm the one totally in-love while you don't know what your talking about! it's f*cking true! How could you do this to me? I've taken better care of you than some of the people closest to you...I've loved you no less when you've hurt me...or been mean...and when you've gone through a rough time...or it was just a damned mood swing of yours!....so what is this then...? tired of seeing me and my face again?! tired of hearing my voice on the phone?! Tired of seeing my body in your bed....or your phone....and on your computer screen anymore? seems like you are the one desperate for change...and that you can't live with just one person...seems like your the immature person... So you'd better stop telling me to 'grow-up' or 'behave myself'..and instead why don't you start taking your own damd advice?! It will really help you anyways...maybe you won't realise it now...while your with me...but maybe later...when your with someone who loves you less...and is less bothered about you...or 'actually' ends up cheating on you! ...Maybe then you'll learn a lesson! Maybe then you'll see what you had in me...but it will be all too f*cking late! You'll have hurt me enough to keep me away from you forever and you'll be married to someone you'll have to 'learn' to love...but though you haven't been great to me, still love you a little too much and I really hope you wake up soon enough...and stop chickening out about your parents so that you'll live a happier life...more for yourself than anything...Somewhere I still think you deserve the happiness...
Don't say anything just yet...just shut-up and take sometime to think about what i've just said. Most probably you'll justify yourself 'cause your so scared of being wrong..and accepting it more than ever...but it's all worth a try...and I hope you realise somethings...
Any other girl would have walked out long ago....but I'm still here...and so you've got something to be thankful about...so yeah!
Now F*ck Off ! ...and go use your damn brain and lose that ego...it won't kill you to do so...yeah i 'actually' said that!
After all, "Your sangat ka asar".......!