hey...so its been an awfully long time, and well..as you can guess...too much has happened in between...
...lets see...
1st of all 'we' broke-up and he threw a BIG tantrum...eventually taking back his words as always and coming back to me...for our 3rd year anni! yah really! ..for which i got gifted a sexy new asus p320 cell phone,complete with microsoft excel, microsoft word, touch-screen, wi-fi...the works...and then 3 surprise cards handed over to me in person by my bestfriend on the real day when he was away and at the time i least expected..yeah well....whatever!!!!!
...next comes...well this group from Britain, London...same thing...a group of 10 of them,from which i've made amazing new friends with around 7-8 of 'em after having mentoring and hosting them for college...and hangin' out etc...it's been an honour and a joy! :) they are most definately gonna be immensely missed...specially 2 people! ;)
...and then lastly i haven't been keepin' too well...taking anti-biotics, multi-vitamins and minerals etc but not much better, the medical tests done every few months show the same results, no improvement and a very VERY low immunity system....i had the viral flu for 3weeks straight!!!! ...it just wouldn't leave me! ...yeah it is scary at times...but it has to be dealt with...and you have to go on..so here i am...
...anyways theres a whole looooooots more, but i've got lots to catch up on with studies now, so i gotta get goin'...i'll update a whole lot more often i promise..
till then... *luv*
me, as always.... =)
Monday, August 24, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
...*siiiiiigh*
...so i've been goin' craaaaaaaazy alot lately...specially with a supposedly brilliant sister whose off to 'seeds of peace international camp, maine' in just about a week...oh yeah she's the genius after all...and i'm the dim-wit! ...everyone seems to believe that now, even my own mother except myself...but as the days go on...i am starting to accept it myself...i guess i'm just meant to live the 'cinder' part of life from the 'cinderella' story... *sigh*
...on another note, i'm just done with my best-friends 'chart-card' that i took sooooooo much trouble over since she is turning the BIG 1-8 EIGHTEEN in 3 mnths! ...oh'kay i'll let you have a look...but at the end of this post 'kay...? ...patience young-one...old one...everyone!
...oh you bloody heat! yeah i know you love watching me sweat and get frustrated as the days grow long but can't you just grow-up and make a move...i'm sure there are tonnes of other places you wanna visit and people you wanna torture and sadistically enjoy as they melt in your 'glare'...move on!...i know i have....
...so whats more? ...well nuin much here either...living life...tryin' to atleast though i ain't successful everytime and everyway...we all fall down...humans...and imperfection...what a piss off!
...i'm hot...and tired...and my head hurts...so i'm off to bed now at this unbelievably early hour...its just 1.30am!
g'nyt!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
..am i the only one who feels this way? why?
you called me 'mah angel' today...tonight! ...what was that about??? suddenly??? outa nowhere???
i'm stunned....and perplexed! what are you aiming at? want something? ...or are you bloody finally realising my worth...??? what is it...???!
...again your off to bed...dream on...you asked me for something and i obeyed immediately...go have a look, you'll see....
i can't sleep, you know the reason why already, and un-fairly ( i know that ain't much of a word, thanks for the correction, but its just how i wanna say it...heard of poetic license? boo!)...unfairly enough you sleep on blissfully not knowing or even seeming to half care about how i feel here while i toss and turn all night in bed...anyways get on with it...thats the best way you can be now anyways.....who knows otherwise if you were awake and here right now you could have been 'causing me alot more hurt or accusing me of something or making me cry, coz recently you've been doin' alot of THAT lately :(
...sometimes i feel like this relationship is getting to be more and more of a ritual of some kind or just an idea we're used to or something like that...not like a real one anymore...feels like i'm on a job here to just make you and keep you happy by complying to your every demand and doin' as you ask of me or tell me to do etc...sucks actually...and i'm tryin' hard to think and figure out a way to get back the old feel to this relationship while i stay up at night...but i feel like i'm doin' all i can and my bit...but your lacking somewhere...and if i tell you so you ain't gonna take it nicely, you'll either blow up or pin it all on me again eventually so i'm just gonna let it slide, keep you happy with whatever you want till i myself find a way or something i can do myself to make this better..........sometimes its like your so into yourself your completely blind to me,my needs or wants or how i'm feeling or need to be treated, you know something? till now you have no clue what to say to me or how to deal with me when i'm upset about family or friends ever, your only words are 'chill' and 'forget it' ..and then you change topic and act like it never happended or like i'm perfectly fine...hurts more than you know.... :(
..anyways like i said earlier, what you asked me to do, i've done...so my 'job' is done now...hope your happy with it and how i've done it and hopefully this time have nothing to yell at me or find fault with it or me about...i'm goin' to head off to bed now and continue the torture and thinking process to find a solution to 'get back the spark'..!
Sweetdream on my so called "JAAN"
i'm stunned....and perplexed! what are you aiming at? want something? ...or are you bloody finally realising my worth...??? what is it...???!
...again your off to bed...dream on...you asked me for something and i obeyed immediately...go have a look, you'll see....
i can't sleep, you know the reason why already, and un-fairly ( i know that ain't much of a word, thanks for the correction, but its just how i wanna say it...heard of poetic license? boo!)...unfairly enough you sleep on blissfully not knowing or even seeming to half care about how i feel here while i toss and turn all night in bed...anyways get on with it...thats the best way you can be now anyways.....who knows otherwise if you were awake and here right now you could have been 'causing me alot more hurt or accusing me of something or making me cry, coz recently you've been doin' alot of THAT lately :(
...sometimes i feel like this relationship is getting to be more and more of a ritual of some kind or just an idea we're used to or something like that...not like a real one anymore...feels like i'm on a job here to just make you and keep you happy by complying to your every demand and doin' as you ask of me or tell me to do etc...sucks actually...and i'm tryin' hard to think and figure out a way to get back the old feel to this relationship while i stay up at night...but i feel like i'm doin' all i can and my bit...but your lacking somewhere...and if i tell you so you ain't gonna take it nicely, you'll either blow up or pin it all on me again eventually so i'm just gonna let it slide, keep you happy with whatever you want till i myself find a way or something i can do myself to make this better..........sometimes its like your so into yourself your completely blind to me,my needs or wants or how i'm feeling or need to be treated, you know something? till now you have no clue what to say to me or how to deal with me when i'm upset about family or friends ever, your only words are 'chill' and 'forget it' ..and then you change topic and act like it never happended or like i'm perfectly fine...hurts more than you know.... :(
..anyways like i said earlier, what you asked me to do, i've done...so my 'job' is done now...hope your happy with it and how i've done it and hopefully this time have nothing to yell at me or find fault with it or me about...i'm goin' to head off to bed now and continue the torture and thinking process to find a solution to 'get back the spark'..!
Sweetdream on my so called "JAAN"
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
...while you lay fast asleep...
while you lay fast asleep..i recounted today and how its made me feel...
and truthfully...this is it..
....so at the moment i'm rather miffed with you, yet you've managed to get me apologising to you for wrongs that you claim i've done that actually and truthfully don't exist at all...! ...look you kno what would be a whole lot better Mr? ...if you were just honest with yourself,and agreed that what waas actually bothering you wasn't really me or the wrong things i hadn't done but your own family and the wrongs they have done...! ...that would be much much better..that way instead of me backing away from you, you'd have me come forward and try and ease the pressure on you to do right and expectations from you, or if not that, atleast listen to you patiently and help you relax and cool down and take your mind of that stressful stuff...in some way or the other...but no! instead you stupidly enough go around choosing the dumbest possible option of yellin' at me, pushing me away as well by blaming for stuff that doesn't exist which results in you isolating yourself and having more time to worry yourself thinking of how people have 'let you down' or how bad things are for you etc instead of lettin' me help pick you and your mood up! ...gawd! your sooooo darn kiddish sometimes...! Grow-up!
...anyways its only 'cause i bloody love you and hence know you so damn well and know what to expect from you and how to treat you when you react this way am i still around and dealing with it all and still sticking by you right through it all...and even got myself to tell you to do whatever you think is best for your family...even if it meant leving me out in the end after i've done so fucking much..!
anyways hope you keep sleepn' oblivious to how i feel right now and often more times...'cause otherwise it would just lead to another mess...and i can't take any more of 'em now..i've got enough already...with mum, ruth and now you and your mood swings, blame-games and what-nots...!
:(
sweetdream on!
and truthfully...this is it..
....so at the moment i'm rather miffed with you, yet you've managed to get me apologising to you for wrongs that you claim i've done that actually and truthfully don't exist at all...! ...look you kno what would be a whole lot better Mr? ...if you were just honest with yourself,and agreed that what waas actually bothering you wasn't really me or the wrong things i hadn't done but your own family and the wrongs they have done...! ...that would be much much better..that way instead of me backing away from you, you'd have me come forward and try and ease the pressure on you to do right and expectations from you, or if not that, atleast listen to you patiently and help you relax and cool down and take your mind of that stressful stuff...in some way or the other...but no! instead you stupidly enough go around choosing the dumbest possible option of yellin' at me, pushing me away as well by blaming for stuff that doesn't exist which results in you isolating yourself and having more time to worry yourself thinking of how people have 'let you down' or how bad things are for you etc instead of lettin' me help pick you and your mood up! ...gawd! your sooooo darn kiddish sometimes...! Grow-up!
...anyways its only 'cause i bloody love you and hence know you so damn well and know what to expect from you and how to treat you when you react this way am i still around and dealing with it all and still sticking by you right through it all...and even got myself to tell you to do whatever you think is best for your family...even if it meant leving me out in the end after i've done so fucking much..!
anyways hope you keep sleepn' oblivious to how i feel right now and often more times...'cause otherwise it would just lead to another mess...and i can't take any more of 'em now..i've got enough already...with mum, ruth and now you and your mood swings, blame-games and what-nots...!
:(
sweetdream on!
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
...first there was smoke...
then sparks flew...
before it became a full-on raging fire...!
oh chill it! i'm jus talking about the before-bed arguument/fight that mum and lil miss 'vada pao' had...well i can't blame either of them entirely...each had their own faults and could have in their own way dealt with the situation better...but instead chose...well...the 'no very nice way'...so yeah sadly and obviously enough it ended in a way no-one really intended it to...so here we are, with mum sleepin' on my bed...and well...me out here writing this....oh well! *sigh*
....tired-ness is makin' that few centimetres of bed-space left on my bed even more comfortable lookin' than its goin' to be and that air-conditioner beckons me into the clasps of the room just past the doors to my right....i can't hold back any longer...i've got to turn myself in...the reward is too irrestable to let go....aaaaah....
GOOdniiiiiihtttt....... *dissappears behind the doors*
then sparks flew...
before it became a full-on raging fire...!
oh chill it! i'm jus talking about the before-bed arguument/fight that mum and lil miss 'vada pao' had...well i can't blame either of them entirely...each had their own faults and could have in their own way dealt with the situation better...but instead chose...well...the 'no very nice way'...so yeah sadly and obviously enough it ended in a way no-one really intended it to...so here we are, with mum sleepin' on my bed...and well...me out here writing this....oh well! *sigh*
....tired-ness is makin' that few centimetres of bed-space left on my bed even more comfortable lookin' than its goin' to be and that air-conditioner beckons me into the clasps of the room just past the doors to my right....i can't hold back any longer...i've got to turn myself in...the reward is too irrestable to let go....aaaaah....
GOOdniiiiiihtttt....... *dissappears behind the doors*
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
....its finally 7:30am and i'm FINALLY heading to bed!!! yeah finally....
oooh don't ask me what i've been upto all along....coz i've been naughty! ...and i loved every moment of it! ...that was fucking amazing... ;)
details??? your asking for details...oh sweetheart you've just got to dream them up yourself...i'm not, this one ain't tellin' nuin... :P hehehehehe!
*winkies*
^_^
oooh don't ask me what i've been upto all along....coz i've been naughty! ...and i loved every moment of it! ...that was fucking amazing... ;)
details??? your asking for details...oh sweetheart you've just got to dream them up yourself...i'm not, this one ain't tellin' nuin... :P hehehehehe!
*winkies*
^_^
today was relaxed...good in a way, except that i just realized that its almost the end of my summer vacations and i haven't really gotten anything i wanted to done at all...and i've literally had no fun at all either :( sucks when you realise that yah know...!
---xxx---xxx---
oooh but yeah Ruth just painted my finer-nails BLACK today and my toe-nails... SCARLET! oooh they look sooooo good! :P ..i'm lovin' 'em :)
i also ended up finally meetin' one of my close friends boyfriend...FINALLY! ...shes around 23-24 and well we're family friends but very close in our own way...so yeah it was good though i didn't like the guy much...he was so not good enough for her...anyways..lets see what happens there...
i wanna be in delhi atm, with my boyfriend! i miss him. his dads down from Abu Dhabi and weirdly enough i wanna meet him, though i'm rather nervous about it... :-S
...and thats about it...dunno what else to write...and anyways i suck at writing so...no sense boring anyone with all this or wasting time on it either...
seeyah when i feel like writing next...
goodnight!
---xxx---xxx---
oooh but yeah Ruth just painted my finer-nails BLACK today and my toe-nails... SCARLET! oooh they look sooooo good! :P ..i'm lovin' 'em :)
i also ended up finally meetin' one of my close friends boyfriend...FINALLY! ...shes around 23-24 and well we're family friends but very close in our own way...so yeah it was good though i didn't like the guy much...he was so not good enough for her...anyways..lets see what happens there...
i wanna be in delhi atm, with my boyfriend! i miss him. his dads down from Abu Dhabi and weirdly enough i wanna meet him, though i'm rather nervous about it... :-S
...and thats about it...dunno what else to write...and anyways i suck at writing so...no sense boring anyone with all this or wasting time on it either...
seeyah when i feel like writing next...
goodnight!
Saturday, May 16, 2009
...so what should i start of sayyin'...? no clue? ...yeah i haven't any clue either...lets see...
okay i got an idea, i think i'm goin' to sit and read up on Ted Bundy..i kno it sounds weird but hey i don't have much to do at the moment and i have a lot of free time and i need to get my mind of other stuff running around and causing havoc in my head and i'm really into these crime stories and different types of crimes, what drives people to commit them, the sadistic pleasures they get out of torturing people and scarring people for life, the methods they use and how different experinces in life can drive people to change so drastically or drive them insane enough to make them think that by killing people they're actually saving their souls etc...so i'm goin to chek that out now...i'll fill u in no worries...
tah'rah!
okay i got an idea, i think i'm goin' to sit and read up on Ted Bundy..i kno it sounds weird but hey i don't have much to do at the moment and i have a lot of free time and i need to get my mind of other stuff running around and causing havoc in my head and i'm really into these crime stories and different types of crimes, what drives people to commit them, the sadistic pleasures they get out of torturing people and scarring people for life, the methods they use and how different experinces in life can drive people to change so drastically or drive them insane enough to make them think that by killing people they're actually saving their souls etc...so i'm goin to chek that out now...i'll fill u in no worries...
tah'rah!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
a day...today!
so i haven't written in ages...stop looking at me with those questioning eyes, sorry dude! ..had final exams, and nearing the end of them i decided that i had to put my all into them or else...or else i would be the 'looser' my sister keeps calling me...and i had to prove her wrong! what with the seeds of peace thing and all...i just HAD TO...i'm sure you get it...phew! ...now the exams are over, so i guess nothing ,much can be done there so well..what else now..?? trying to think of other ways to prove i ain't any 'looser' and that yeah well heyy...!¡ ...i could do with a few 'opportunities' and 'chances' being thrown my way too yah know...!
....moving on, moving on...well it's 1.49am here in India, and well i should actually be fast asleep, given the past 2 weeks that i've had just about a maximum of 3-4hours of sleep a day cause otherwise i'v been frantically studying for one exam or the other, or taking care of mum....but heyy no! ...just when i need the sleep it won't come! ...it decides to stay away and have a little bit of it's own fun...keep me up all night, restless, without much to do, vacant DARK rooms and thoughts, scary noises from the almost emty roads below and a cold breeze blowing through a big window and a very very bright moon! ...perfect day for a mystery...ok ok i need to stop thinking all this mystry stuff cause i'm spooked already and i'm only making it worse for myself this way..."you got no-body to cuddle up with girl...what are you trying to do?" seriously man,way to go Es! *sigh*
...can't sleep
can't sleep....
....can't sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep...! :(
...i'm restless and whiney and in a horrid mood, not very socialable and...not happy...just very grumpy and tired with a bad headache and sleeeeeepy tired eyes, that won't freaking close no matter how hard i've tried to close them....argh! ...and vacant thoughts that don't seem to know or make up their minds what to think about or worry about in particular which is driving me insaaaaaaaaaaane... :( it's much easier when you've got just one thing on your mind and worry about just that rather than having 'lots' on your mind but nothing in particular cause you freaking can't seem to pin-point whats bothering you the most or what you should be bothering about the most etc etc...i'm sure you get the gist of what i'm rambling on about... *siiiiiiiiiiiiigh*
aaaaaaaaaaaaaanyways....its 2.03am now, i should really get moving and find something more interesting to do with these 'xtra' hours of my life so that hopefully i could teach sleep a good lesson! pah¡
>_<
~ Me ~
....moving on, moving on...well it's 1.49am here in India, and well i should actually be fast asleep, given the past 2 weeks that i've had just about a maximum of 3-4hours of sleep a day cause otherwise i'v been frantically studying for one exam or the other, or taking care of mum....but heyy no! ...just when i need the sleep it won't come! ...it decides to stay away and have a little bit of it's own fun...keep me up all night, restless, without much to do, vacant DARK rooms and thoughts, scary noises from the almost emty roads below and a cold breeze blowing through a big window and a very very bright moon! ...perfect day for a mystery...ok ok i need to stop thinking all this mystry stuff cause i'm spooked already and i'm only making it worse for myself this way..."you got no-body to cuddle up with girl...what are you trying to do?" seriously man,way to go Es! *sigh*
...can't sleep
can't sleep....
....can't sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep...! :(
...i'm restless and whiney and in a horrid mood, not very socialable and...not happy...just very grumpy and tired with a bad headache and sleeeeeepy tired eyes, that won't freaking close no matter how hard i've tried to close them....argh! ...and vacant thoughts that don't seem to know or make up their minds what to think about or worry about in particular which is driving me insaaaaaaaaaaane... :( it's much easier when you've got just one thing on your mind and worry about just that rather than having 'lots' on your mind but nothing in particular cause you freaking can't seem to pin-point whats bothering you the most or what you should be bothering about the most etc etc...i'm sure you get the gist of what i'm rambling on about... *siiiiiiiiiiiiigh*
aaaaaaaaaaaaaanyways....its 2.03am now, i should really get moving and find something more interesting to do with these 'xtra' hours of my life so that hopefully i could teach sleep a good lesson! pah¡
>_<
~ Me ~
Monday, March 30, 2009
sobs!
yeah, have 2 papers tomorrow but it doesn't seem to bother me as much...
...as much as my dad not being around anymore..
no-one knows the real truth about how i feel, or how i deal with it for that matter,
and thats coz basically, i gotta keep it up for the people i care about the most...
yes it gets awfully hard at times, like especially the last few nights, but i'm coping...
...been hoping to catch Dave (one of my closest friends, though we hardly chat) online for quite sometime...since he always helps...and knows exactly what to say...but i've been unlucky... :(
...anyways i should get to bed now,
just thought i'd let you in on the reason for the sobs you just heard coming from my side of the room though its 3:15am here!
i'll fill you in better tomorrow morning...
.....night!
...as much as my dad not being around anymore..
no-one knows the real truth about how i feel, or how i deal with it for that matter,
and thats coz basically, i gotta keep it up for the people i care about the most...
yes it gets awfully hard at times, like especially the last few nights, but i'm coping...
...been hoping to catch Dave (one of my closest friends, though we hardly chat) online for quite sometime...since he always helps...and knows exactly what to say...but i've been unlucky... :(
...anyways i should get to bed now,
just thought i'd let you in on the reason for the sobs you just heard coming from my side of the room though its 3:15am here!
i'll fill you in better tomorrow morning...
.....night!
Friday, March 27, 2009
nup!
nup! not yet! not a minute of studying done yet!
exams begin monday
and i have no clue what my paper on monday is on even!
shame on me!...
...wtv!
mind you own business, you know your life ain't perfect either,
so stop judging me...and anyways, you don't really give a damn about me so yeah...save yourself the trouble...don't worry i won't say 'she/he never said anything to me or warned me, it's his/her fault, i was his/her responsiblity...etc etc'
..so go on, do urself a favour and....scram! leave me be...!
no need for actors here...my life has enough already...!
:(
exams begin monday
and i have no clue what my paper on monday is on even!
shame on me!...
...wtv!
mind you own business, you know your life ain't perfect either,
so stop judging me...and anyways, you don't really give a damn about me so yeah...save yourself the trouble...don't worry i won't say 'she/he never said anything to me or warned me, it's his/her fault, i was his/her responsiblity...etc etc'
..so go on, do urself a favour and....scram! leave me be...!
no need for actors here...my life has enough already...!
:(
Thursday, March 26, 2009
today...thank God it's finally over!
phew! its been a really really loooooooooong day and you have no clue how thankful i am that it's come to an end...yay!
...lets see, yesterday ended at 5:30am this morning and today started just about 3hours later! yeah well the compromises you gotta make when...the less said the better...
anyways the first thing on my agenda for today was my damned english oral exam! had to be in college by 10am and yeah its basically a 5min business but nope! ...some teachers are plain sadistic and call you 2 hours in advance and then have you read in front of 110 students and well, also give you weird topics like 'stress and teenagers' to talk about on the spot,infront of the 110 people as well for a whole 1minute! ...how the hell do you expect people like, who are terrified of speaking infront of such huge numbers to ever fare well??? and what makes it worse is that i heard that we were the only class put through this awful pain, the rest just had to do it in batches of 10 people at a time...! Bitch! :(
...anyways i hope she decides to be less of a bitch and well...not slash our marks in a vain attempt to keep me back this year, since anways my attendance has been...minimal to say the least...hoping and praying here...
...hmm....wonder how i survived with just 3 hours of sleep tody and yet here i am at 1:05am typing this out for you to read...no wonder i felt dizzy and all pukey earlier...i really should try and get more rest...aaah well...!
...the rest of the day was...not of much interest...to even the most bored person on this planet...in short i had a silly fight with my sister which had my mum yelling at us to cut it out and then when it had no effect on us, grumbling under her breath and storming off into the kitchen to get dinner ready while the fight ended having both, my sister and me bawling like babies (hides face in shame) ...but well i didn't like being told i'm not good enough or smart enough like her, specially by her...!
...so well heres my day all laid out for you, i gotta get off now and get a start on my studies for real this time, finals in 3days! Save meeeeee...!
..don't worry i'll be back soon to waste some more of your time soon enough...you'll have no time to miss me or this riff-raff at all...!
goodnight!
~ Me ~
...lets see, yesterday ended at 5:30am this morning and today started just about 3hours later! yeah well the compromises you gotta make when...the less said the better...
anyways the first thing on my agenda for today was my damned english oral exam! had to be in college by 10am and yeah its basically a 5min business but nope! ...some teachers are plain sadistic and call you 2 hours in advance and then have you read in front of 110 students and well, also give you weird topics like 'stress and teenagers' to talk about on the spot,infront of the 110 people as well for a whole 1minute! ...how the hell do you expect people like, who are terrified of speaking infront of such huge numbers to ever fare well??? and what makes it worse is that i heard that we were the only class put through this awful pain, the rest just had to do it in batches of 10 people at a time...! Bitch! :(
...anyways i hope she decides to be less of a bitch and well...not slash our marks in a vain attempt to keep me back this year, since anways my attendance has been...minimal to say the least...hoping and praying here...
...hmm....wonder how i survived with just 3 hours of sleep tody and yet here i am at 1:05am typing this out for you to read...no wonder i felt dizzy and all pukey earlier...i really should try and get more rest...aaah well...!
...the rest of the day was...not of much interest...to even the most bored person on this planet...in short i had a silly fight with my sister which had my mum yelling at us to cut it out and then when it had no effect on us, grumbling under her breath and storming off into the kitchen to get dinner ready while the fight ended having both, my sister and me bawling like babies (hides face in shame) ...but well i didn't like being told i'm not good enough or smart enough like her, specially by her...!
...so well heres my day all laid out for you, i gotta get off now and get a start on my studies for real this time, finals in 3days! Save meeeeee...!
..don't worry i'll be back soon to waste some more of your time soon enough...you'll have no time to miss me or this riff-raff at all...!
goodnight!
~ Me ~
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Happiness...??? whats that...???
....so what do you do when you feel empty, and like happiness never seems to last for you...? well 'kay some people would temme that i'm lucky enough to have happiness evn come knocking on my door and then vanishing, atleast it's visited me and not left me out completely as if i was insignificant enough to be completely left out...bt still...i ain't...i can't be okay with it...i want hapiness to do more than just knock at my door and then leave me sprawled out on the floor, out of breath and energy after it's run away and had me chasing it with everything in me till i'm nearly wiped out...emotionally...and of faith and hope for quite a long time, till it comes back and pulls the same darned trick on me AGAIN...! ...and i fall for it AGAIN...! ...each time running after it with new found hope and faith and energy believing each time that this time i wouldn't fall or run out of energy or faith or anything right till i had bagged it, caught up to it, captured it and secured it finally in my life...for the rest of it...
...but d'oh! ...obviously i fall very...VERY short every single damned time... :(
*sigh*
...."wonder whether i should give up on it now, and stop wasting time on it...move onto something else, that will hopefully take its place well enough...and not allow me to miss it much..."...
what say you..???
...but d'oh! ...obviously i fall very...VERY short every single damned time... :(
*sigh*
...."wonder whether i should give up on it now, and stop wasting time on it...move onto something else, that will hopefully take its place well enough...and not allow me to miss it much..."...
what say you..???
FINALS!
...so i've got exams coming up in less than a week...yeah really...and well they're finals...! ...but somehow i just can't seem to get myself to study, i don't know why...or what to do that will help me here coz i desperately need to study and do well in these exams...specially since for the last 2 terms i'v been sick and in hardly any condition to give the exams...phew! ...any...ANY suggestions at all anyone...??? i am you-know...desperate...phew! :(
Monday, February 23, 2009
confusion...???
hey...so this is random...i'm jus confused...and i seem to be getting more and more confused by the minute...
...even now i'm unsure of what to say...weird...since at one point of time i was rather good with words...and well...i always had something to say...or talk about...or an opinion of my own, that no-one could rule out or...you know...and i was...well...an 'individual'...
...whereas now, it just doesn't seem like it anymore...i literally stopped having my own opinions, and started making my decisions according to what other people think...somewhere down the line i kinda feel i've lost the sense of 'me'...and i dunno how to get it back...
...and i just desperately want to...
...DAMNIT! =(
...even now i'm unsure of what to say...weird...since at one point of time i was rather good with words...and well...i always had something to say...or talk about...or an opinion of my own, that no-one could rule out or...you know...and i was...well...an 'individual'...
...whereas now, it just doesn't seem like it anymore...i literally stopped having my own opinions, and started making my decisions according to what other people think...somewhere down the line i kinda feel i've lost the sense of 'me'...and i dunno how to get it back...
...and i just desperately want to...
...DAMNIT! =(
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
questions, questions and more them damn questions...!
whats goin on........??? i'm confused......
why me.....???
i need some questions answered...but how when no-one understands 'em...?
....or where they're coming from...???
damned everything...! life...! arrrrrrrgh!
...give me a damn break! ...how long do you want to harass me??? ..haven't you had enough yet...??? it's been more than a few years now.....why why why must you continue...??? ..doon't you ever get bored or tired...??? why don't you...???
goooooooo away!
...get the hell lost!!!
...ARRRRRRRGH!!!!
why me.....???
i need some questions answered...but how when no-one understands 'em...?
....or where they're coming from...???
damned everything...! life...! arrrrrrrgh!
...give me a damn break! ...how long do you want to harass me??? ..haven't you had enough yet...??? it's been more than a few years now.....why why why must you continue...??? ..doon't you ever get bored or tired...??? why don't you...???
goooooooo away!
...get the hell lost!!!
...ARRRRRRRGH!!!!
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