Returnings

so its been ages since i wrote, my sincere apologies...alot has been happening since the last time i wrote. for starters, dad has moved back in with us after 2 and a half years. yes i should be jumping for joy, smiling, dancing, rejoicing and other such things right? yeah, so i know...buuut...the thing is...i ain't! not one bit! atleast not truly or for myself...yes seeing mum happy to have her husband back in some sorta way is good, to see Ruth have someone to kinda help her in her studies, take her side during fights or indulge her is good...but truthfully, and for myself..nope! i ain't happy! not a teeny tiny wee bit! :( i don't understand why either...instead of laughing and having fun, i find myself crying,ending up in fights and taking on even more responsibilities than ever...stiiiill...wasn't i the kid? wasn't i the one who lost out on a childhood coz of...having to shoulder a whole bunch of responsibilities before i...anyone was ever meant to?! pheeeeew! so what was the deal here ey? he promised to take care of me, look out for me,be there for me...but nothing of that sort is happening...at all! instead i find myself being lumped with tonnes of extra shit that i can't cope with, which is messing me up badly...ended p giving me freaking swollen ovaries and a whole tonne of other stuff thats waaaaay too depressing to go over! i hate being fat, but oh no, thats going to be me now coz of the swollen ovaries! ....besides the tonnes of other stuff...sometimes i feel like getting up and walking straight out. yes, like out out. and never returning again. the only reason i'm still sticking around is my mother dear. i love her to bits abd she tries so hard to do her best and help me feel better, and do appreciate that immensely and i am sooooooo grateful to her for that...but...the thing is...HE's gotta do some things too y'know..it can't be JUST mom...why else is he back otherwise? ...to be the same man he was before he left? ...to fail to come forth and deliver on any of his promises? ...to try his best to guilt trip us for something we never brought on? ...to hopefully get us to pity him and give in to all his demands and expectations? hell no! that wasn't happenin'...! oh no! never! not even close to it! he had soooooo much to do before i atleast came anywhere near forgiving him for what he did and how he left and the way he behaved even after he's been back...right up till NOW! :(
.....so as i end this, i'd say, never ever have expectations, its the best that way...coz then there ain't no pain when people don't live upto some you might have had...and when you don't have expectations, if the person exceeds any you might have had...well the joy is double...but if he/she fails...atleast there ain't any pain coz you never had expectations in the first place...so yeah, thats the way i'd go if i could do this again....