Parenting

what does it feel like to be a 'parent'? you'd have to be the 'responsible' one? you'd have to know how to deal with the siblings, how to make rules, when to apply them and when to bend them. how to solve a crisis in a matter of minutes so that it doesn't leave the 'children's' faith in you broken or shattered...take them to doctors. tell them everything is going to turn out fine. plan holidays and then go around making 'the lists', and making sure that everything necessary is packed. running to and from travel agents, trying to make sure you get the best deal. making sure you never fight in front of the children. making sure theres food that every member of the family eats on the table. sorting out fights between members and invariably being painted black by the one whose side you do not take. try and not be partial to members. sort out 'my share-you share' issues. etc. these are just a FEW i named off the top of my head.....why you ask? ...coz though i'm just an 18 year old girl, i've had to get used to shouldering all the responsibility ever since i was 15! -_- when DO i get to be a kid? why did i have to grow up so fast? why can't i get some time to have my fun? :(

3 strikes and your out

hey, so there went another week....its a Sunday again today, and things ain't any better...not even a teeny-tiny bit...
its been going on for a week now but last night it got really bad! ...and guess how it started? on a small thing where he yelled at all of us for no reason at all and then denied when i just nicely asked him not to yell! like whoa! hold on a minute, its not like only i said you yelled, all of thought you did...even the maid...and she doesn't take sides...c'mon!
...but yeah, in short....thanks for showing me again the place/standing i have in your life with your words, and i quote... 'yeah i'm all wrong from the soles of my feet to my head, Esther why don't you engineer my leaving the house again"
thanks so much. i think its time you know that you lost me lastnight for the 3rd time and that is to be the last. goodbye.

I owe you everything

an excerpt from a random poem

"There were nights where I was sure
I wouldn't see the morning sun
And there were days that seemed so dark
I couldn't wait for night to come
I couldn't stand to think about how
My life used to be
And how without a single warning
It all slipped away from me

Like a fool I thought I could fight
The shadows on my own
To the dark I was no stranger
But this was stronger than I'd known
And by the time I knew that I was in too deep I'd gone too far
And the light that used to guide me
Had faded from my heart
And I found myself in places I thought I'd never go
Surrounded by strangers I was so far from home
And I don't know how you found me
All I know is I owe everything to you
Yes I do"

Returnings

so its been ages since i wrote, my sincere apologies...alot has been happening since the last time i wrote. for starters, dad has moved back in with us after 2 and a half years. yes i should be jumping for joy, smiling, dancing, rejoicing and other such things right? yeah, so i know...buuut...the thing is...i ain't! not one bit! atleast not truly or for myself...yes seeing mum happy to have her husband back in some sorta way is good, to see Ruth have someone to kinda help her in her studies, take her side during fights or indulge her is good...but truthfully, and for myself..nope! i ain't happy! not a teeny tiny wee bit! :( i don't understand why either...instead of laughing and having fun, i find myself crying,ending up in fights and taking on even more responsibilities than ever...stiiiill...wasn't i the kid? wasn't i the one who lost out on a childhood coz of...having to shoulder a whole bunch of responsibilities before i...anyone was ever meant to?! pheeeeew! so what was the deal here ey? he promised to take care of me, look out for me,be there for me...but nothing of that sort is happening...at all! instead i find myself being lumped with tonnes of extra shit that i can't cope with, which is messing me up badly...ended p giving me freaking swollen ovaries and a whole tonne of other stuff thats waaaaay too depressing to go over! i hate being fat, but oh no, thats going to be me now coz of the swollen ovaries! ....besides the tonnes of other stuff...sometimes i feel like getting up and walking straight out. yes, like out out. and never returning again. the only reason i'm still sticking around is my mother dear. i love her to bits abd she tries so hard to do her best and help me feel better, and do appreciate that immensely and i am sooooooo grateful to her for that...but...the thing is...HE's gotta do some things too y'know..it can't be JUST mom...why else is he back otherwise? ...to be the same man he was before he left? ...to fail to come forth and deliver on any of his promises? ...to try his best to guilt trip us for something we never brought on? ...to hopefully get us to pity him and give in to all his demands and expectations? hell no! that wasn't happenin'...! oh no! never! not even close to it! he had soooooo much to do before i atleast came anywhere near forgiving him for what he did and how he left and the way he behaved even after he's been back...right up till NOW! :(
.....so as i end this, i'd say, never ever have expectations, its the best that way...coz then there ain't no pain when people don't live upto some you might have had...and when you don't have expectations, if the person exceeds any you might have had...well the joy is double...but if he/she fails...atleast there ain't any pain coz you never had expectations in the first place...so yeah, thats the way i'd go if i could do this again....

oh that smile!

" a whole pultan of people have come to the Lord just because of you " she said with her smile widening as it spread across her face with each word and then ended by lighting up her eyes...she seemed so proud of me for that one moment...oh and the moment i am talking about is the one i didn't even get to "choose" (not that i would have chosen any different) but yeah...it was my 'dedication to Christ' as a child...i wish i could do something myself, as in outta my own choice that would make her so happy...and bring about that exact same smile on her face...once atleast if not a tonne of times...phew!
seriously what wrong did i do in my life to deserve the 'occasional smile' (as occasional as once/twice a year) yeah i get, Ruth is better , does everything according to your liking, is going to actually BE someone in life and is serious about her career etc etc...and thats why all the international funds etc are saved for herrrr....whatever! what about me ey? i don't deserve it any less you know! ...and hey, my choices are as important as hers...they may not be the same, or the choices you'd make in my place, but they're mine, and i'm different, not you or her...to you and her maybe work,career and making it big is important but to me a good, stable family and an amazing husband and a happy life as a family is important...still as significant and asreasonable you know...so whatever my decision its still important and as meaningful...why don't you get that?

Mulling over things

......argh! why can't i stop? honestly i need none of this right now, just peace and calm...so that...i hopefully pass my bloody, damn finals in a few weeks time...
can't seem to find a way of NOT mulling over absolute rubbish! :(

Happy New Year! NOT!

1st of all...Happy New Year one and all...okay so i'm in this awful mood, which i know you have guessed already...boo-yah!
basically times are okay, not as physically draining as they are emotionally :( having a few tough times here and there...can't seem to cope too well...and i thought turning eighteen earlier this month would have hopefully made a whole tonne of things easier and well...would have given me much more to look forward to...apparently...NOT!! ....so well...theres the first pitfall :(
anyways i'd let you in on more sad stories of my current living position but i feel like i need to get some good rest now...haven't been keeping too well either...and well...at the moment... I'M MIND-FUCKED...!!! MAJORLY...!!! :(