So?

so? when am i really happy? ...like for real, with no thought or even the slightest pang of sadness in me? hmmm....lets see if I can remember a time....it's been five minutes already...and nothing recent comes to my mind! the last time i remember being truly happy...was...was when i visited delhi! ...for just about 2-3 hours I know, but yeah...!

...now what do i like best? when do i feel best? well my answers should be when i'm around family...or friends...and when i'm with my partner..but apparently not...somehow i feel a certain pressure to be artificial even around them...! ....so when do I get to be really me? the best time...or the only time i mean...is around the time i'm alone, at night...while everyone is asleep...if i'm lonely i can cry into my teddy-bear's shiny, soft, white, silky coat..or just sit and read in the hall...maybe write..or maybe act out...or analyse my feelings and surroundings...at one point of time i hated being alone...now i only love to be left alone more and more! ...how things change! well reasons best known to you already things have been messed up....leaving me rather messed up myself with emotions i have no clue how to deal with...
So what do i do now...??? ...where do i go from here...???

What the 'Eff'...?!

If love is true, how can you 'fall out' of love with this person you claim to be ;truly' in-love with? what do you know about love? seems like you knew so much and you were the one with the true feelings while i was still just 'crushing'...Sorry but it seems like it's the absolute opposite here...I'm the one totally in-love while you don't know what your talking about! it's f*cking true! How could you do this to me? I've taken better care of you than some of the people closest to you...I've loved you no less when you've hurt me...or been mean...and when you've gone through a rough time...or it was just a damned mood swing of yours!....so what is this then...? tired of seeing me and my face again?! tired of hearing my voice on the phone?! Tired of seeing my body in your bed....or your phone....and on your computer screen anymore? seems like you are the one desperate for change...and that you can't live with just one person...seems like your the immature person... So you'd better stop telling me to 'grow-up' or 'behave myself'..and instead why don't you start taking your own damd advice?! It will really help you anyways...maybe you won't realise it now...while your with me...but maybe later...when your with someone who loves you less...and is less bothered about you...or 'actually' ends up cheating on you! ...Maybe then you'll learn a lesson! Maybe then you'll see what you had in me...but it will be all too f*cking late! You'll have hurt me enough to keep me away from you forever and you'll be married to someone you'll have to 'learn' to love...but though you haven't been great to me, still love you a little too much and I really hope you wake up soon enough...and stop chickening out about your parents so that you'll live a happier life...more for yourself than anything...Somewhere I still think you deserve the happiness...
Don't say anything just yet...just shut-up and take sometime to think about what i've just said. Most probably you'll justify yourself 'cause your so scared of being wrong..and accepting it more than ever...but it's all worth a try...and I hope you realise somethings...
Any other girl would have walked out long ago....but I'm still here...and so you've got something to be thankful about...so yeah!
Now F*ck Off ! ...and go use your damn brain and lose that ego...it won't kill you to do so...yeah i 'actually' said that!
After all, "Your sangat ka asar".......!

... Losing ....

...I feel like crying..just crying and crying...non-stop! I'm not even sure why i feel this way... :( but yes i do feel this-a-way...I'm confused...and lost..and so many have said they could..and would find me...but they haven't found me yet..I'm starting to wonder whether I'm that at hiding...or is it just 'cause they're really not that interested in finding me...and even if they did try to find me, they didn't try hard enough...
...Maybe I'm not missed...maybe I'm not really worth finding...maybe life is already full for them without me in it...maybe i don't have enough to offer to be worth looking for or bothering about...maybe they've realised they're so many better people to be with and make sure they don't get lost the way i did...
...Now even I'm starting to wonder...starting to think I ain't so worth it anymore and I don't try finding myself...I'm better off lost to everyone it seems...
...Wish someone would tell me why it is thissa-way though...

nearing the departure...

....As the day comes nearer for your depature...my heart starts beating faster and faster...It's only 'cause i'm scared, i'm petrified...i'm so very worried...how am i to survive here without you...you know your my lifeline...
Yeah people say if you keep yourself busy and involved in friends and other activities you like doing, you'll get over it...but what if it's not true...like in my case...cause you just don't feel like doing anything except sit in that very same place and position you were in when he left...and await his return...so thatthis time you can hold onto him tight enough so that he won't go off, leaving you behind and alone even again...
I feel like crying for you but I don't 'cause I know you don't like to see tears in my eyes or wet cheeks...but how else do i deal with my lonliness when your not around...??? i can't help it...nothing...and no-one else is good enough or will ever be good enough...
Oh! how I wish i was accompanying you on this trip... :(

Frustration

...so will this person you love with all your heart ever 'actually' know just how much you love him..??? will he ever believe it...??? ...will he ever actaully see it...??? what do you have to do to show them the love inside your heart for them...???

....you know what, what sucks so much...?
that your ready to do so much for that one person, give up everything...defy whoever doesn't stand with you on it...just because your love is so strong for this person, but this person wouldn't do the same...though he claims to love you more than you love him...i don't get it!

quoting Taylor Swift's lyrics of her song 'I'd Lie' ->
And I could tell you
His favorite color's green
He loves to argue
Born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful
He has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him
I'd lie

...except i wouldn't lie...
i want the whole world to know how much i love him
and that i'm happiest when i'm with him....

~ Me <3 ~