...*siiiiiigh*

...so i've been goin' craaaaaaaazy alot lately...specially with a supposedly brilliant sister whose off to 'seeds of peace international camp, maine' in just about a week...oh yeah she's the genius after all...and i'm the dim-wit! ...everyone seems to believe that now, even my own mother except myself...but as the days go on...i am starting to accept it myself...i guess i'm just meant to live the 'cinder' part of life from the 'cinderella' story... *sigh*

...on another note, i'm just done with my best-friends 'chart-card' that i took sooooooo much trouble over since she is turning the BIG 1-8 EIGHTEEN in 3 mnths! ...oh'kay i'll let you have a look...but at the end of this post 'kay...? ...patience young-one...old one...everyone!

...oh you bloody heat! yeah i know you love watching me sweat and get frustrated as the days grow long but can't you just grow-up and make a move...i'm sure there are tonnes of other places you wanna visit and people you wanna torture and sadistically enjoy as they melt in your 'glare'...move on!...i know i have....

...so whats more? ...well nuin much here either...living life...tryin' to atleast though i ain't successful everytime and everyway...we all fall down...humans...and imperfection...what a piss off!

...i'm hot...and tired...and my head hurts...so i'm off to bed now at this unbelievably early hour...its just 1.30am!

g'nyt!

..am i the only one who feels this way? why?

you called me 'mah angel' today...tonight! ...what was that about??? suddenly??? outa nowhere???
i'm stunned....and perplexed! what are you aiming at? want something? ...or are you bloody finally realising my worth...??? what is it...???!

...again your off to bed...dream on...you asked me for something and i obeyed immediately...go have a look, you'll see....

i can't sleep, you know the reason why already, and un-fairly ( i know that ain't much of a word, thanks for the correction, but its just how i wanna say it...heard of poetic license? boo!)...unfairly enough you sleep on blissfully not knowing or even seeming to half care about how i feel here while i toss and turn all night in bed...anyways get on with it...thats the best way you can be now anyways.....who knows otherwise if you were awake and here right now you could have been 'causing me alot more hurt or accusing me of something or making me cry, coz recently you've been doin' alot of THAT lately :(

...sometimes i feel like this relationship is getting to be more and more of a ritual of some kind or just an idea we're used to or something like that...not like a real one anymore...feels like i'm on a job here to just make you and keep you happy by complying to your every demand and doin' as you ask of me or tell me to do etc...sucks actually...and i'm tryin' hard to think and figure out a way to get back the old feel to this relationship while i stay up at night...but i feel like i'm doin' all i can and my bit...but your lacking somewhere...and if i tell you so you ain't gonna take it nicely, you'll either blow up or pin it all on me again eventually so i'm just gonna let it slide, keep you happy with whatever you want till i myself find a way or something i can do myself to make this better..........sometimes its like your so into yourself your completely blind to me,my needs or wants or how i'm feeling or need to be treated, you know something? till now you have no clue what to say to me or how to deal with me when i'm upset about family or friends ever, your only words are 'chill' and 'forget it' ..and then you change topic and act like it never happended or like i'm perfectly fine...hurts more than you know.... :(

..anyways like i said earlier, what you asked me to do, i've done...so my 'job' is done now...hope your happy with it and how i've done it and hopefully this time have nothing to yell at me or find fault with it or me about...i'm goin' to head off to bed now and continue the torture and thinking process to find a solution to 'get back the spark'..!

Sweetdream on my so called "JAAN"

...while you lay fast asleep...

while you lay fast asleep..i recounted today and how its made me feel...
and truthfully...this is it..
....so at the moment i'm rather miffed with you, yet you've managed to get me apologising to you for wrongs that you claim i've done that actually and truthfully don't exist at all...! ...look you kno what would be a whole lot better Mr? ...if you were just honest with yourself,and agreed that what waas actually bothering you wasn't really me or the wrong things i hadn't done but your own family and the wrongs they have done...! ...that would be much much better..that way instead of me backing away from you, you'd have me come forward and try and ease the pressure on you to do right and expectations from you, or if not that, atleast listen to you patiently and help you relax and cool down and take your mind of that stressful stuff...in some way or the other...but no! instead you stupidly enough go around choosing the dumbest possible option of yellin' at me, pushing me away as well by blaming for stuff that doesn't exist which results in you isolating yourself and having more time to worry yourself thinking of how people have 'let you down' or how bad things are for you etc instead of lettin' me help pick you and your mood up! ...gawd! your sooooo darn kiddish sometimes...! Grow-up!
...anyways its only 'cause i bloody love you and hence know you so damn well and know what to expect from you and how to treat you when you react this way am i still around and dealing with it all and still sticking by you right through it all...and even got myself to tell you to do whatever you think is best for your family...even if it meant leving me out in the end after i've done so fucking much..!
anyways hope you keep sleepn' oblivious to how i feel right now and often more times...'cause otherwise it would just lead to another mess...and i can't take any more of 'em now..i've got enough already...with mum, ruth and now you and your mood swings, blame-games and what-nots...!

:(
sweetdream on!